


The Ballad of the Keebler Elf

by superhighschoollevelskylord



Category: LazyTown, keebler elf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:34:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8648395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superhighschoollevelskylord/pseuds/superhighschoollevelskylord
Summary: The Keebler Elf has been in some trouble lately with his business and its recent corruption... He meets a man with an offer he can't refuse without causing the death of someone who means it all to him. With him are 12 men brave enough to journey to a far away land in efforts to destroy their one enemy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by a roleplay me and my best friend did earlier

Ernie Keebler, also known just as the Keebler Elf, walked through Lazy Town to take his mind off the business he had been running for so long. He could not take his mind off the threats of lawsuits, of having to lay off so many employees, or of having to cut payrolls during the holiday season that was approaching so he could have more money. While he was so deep in his thoughts, he almost didn't notice a voice directed towards him.

“Hey! Elf! ELF!” shouted the voice.

The Elf stopped and turned around. “W-what do you want?” he stammered. Ernie hardly needed any more trouble these days, and now he was probably about to be harassed by someone on the streets!

“You seem… Evil.” said Robbie Rotten, stepping out of the shadows. “Come with me.”

“Me? I'm not who you're looking for, sir… I'm just a simple elf.” Ernie said. He knew damn well that he was not just a simple elf, but he had no clue what to say to make himself look better otherwise.

“Trust me, elf, I know all about your company. I know about the corruption that happens over in the Keebler Company, and I know you're not as nice and kind as you appear.” Robbie sneered. 

“...Who let you know about the Company secrets?” Ernie asked. He was not aware that anybody besides the people in the corporate office knew about the problems the business was facing. It was clear that this man held power, or he just had spies in the Keebler Company.

“My employer did, but you don't need to know much more beyond that. Let's just say, I'm a hitman and my target is one of your contacts … His name is Pills. Pillsbury Doughboy.” Robbie explained. He knew he would get in trouble if he told the elf more than he needed to know, but it was frustrating having him ask so many questions. 

Ernie looked at him in mere shock. Not only was Pills someone he knew, it was his nephew! 

“What did that stupid boy do this time?!?!” Ernie shouted. He knew that Pills was good at getting into trouble with a bunch of different people. He was pretty annoying.

“That guy messed with the Scandinavian mafia and now they want revenge on him. Sucks to be him, right?” Robbie laughed. 

“Oh, idiot! I've told him a billion times not to mess with the mafia, and especially not the Scandinavian mafia! They are strong, just like that ominous Pewdiepie.” Ernie said.

“Funny you should mention Pewdiepie. That's my employer! How did you know?” Robbie said.

“I just happen to dislike him, so I know a lot about him to use as blackmail.” Ernie said. He had long known Pewdiepie to be an untruthful and despicable man. He had long ruled over Scandinavian Youtube with an iron (bro)fist.

“Pewdiepie is the mafioso who leads us into our battles. He is like, the Motherqueen, in a way. Just so you know, he is actually named Motherqueen Pubes, not 'Pewds'. He doesn't like Pewds.” Robbie said to Ernie. They were almost nearing Robbie's residence, where he kept watch over Lazy Town.

“I knew he wasn't telling the truth about his actual name! I am shocked right now!” Ernie exclaimed. Ernie had researched so hard, only to find out crucial information was fake? What else would be revealed to him tonight?

“OK, Elf. You have two options if you want Pills to live. Number one: Take this water bottle, fill it up with bleach, and give it to Ol' Sporty Sportacus over there so he croaks. Number two: You can sell out your body to Petie Griffie's Sluts 'n' Hoes, the mafia company. Which one would you honestly rather do?” Robbie asked. He did not expect the elf to answer without weighing both the pros and cons. 

“I believe… both options sound appealing in their own ways. Obviously choice one is faster, so I will attempt that one and if I fail, I will go with option two.” Ernie answered. The elf said he didn't mind either choice, but in reality he was dreading even thinking about option two. If he became a member of Petie Griffie's, he would most certainly be targeted on a daily basis.

“Alright, but if you fail both, Pills will be dead meat.” Robbie said.

“So… Where is the bleach anyway? Do you not have any on your property?” Ernie asked. He assumed this task would be much simpler than the other one, but it looked like he was about to be proven wrong.

“It's far away. All the way over in Bikini Bottom.” Robbie said. He smirked as he said it because he knew it would make Ernie's mission seem so much more impossible.

“Oh! Well… I take it you're coming with me, correct?” Ernie questioned.

Robbie took one look at the elf and began laughing. 

“I wouldn't go with you! I can't. I have much too many things to do back here in Lazy Town and I need to make sure Sportacus does not grow power.” Robbie said.

“Then I must journey alone to save Pills, my favorite nephew...” Ernie sighed. 

“Not so fast! I have elected a council of 12 men to journey with you… They are, as follows: Goofy, Mickey, Scooby, Pikachu, Flareon, Thomas the Tank Engine, Lewis Lanely, Naruto, Jimmy Neutron, Tom Cruise, Eric Cartman, and finally, the most dangerous of the lot, Luigi. I expect great things will come from them under your control.” Robbie said. 

“An excellent squadron! I have no doubts we, together, will end Sportacus. Men, ASSEMBLE!” Ernie yelled. He was not sure how he was going to make this team work, but he assumed these men were very powerful in their own ways.

“Well, you better get a move on! Luigi is a wild card when he doesn't get his scotch.” Robbie laughed.

“Can't he just bring a flask of scotch with him?!” said Ernie.

“No, because he is a member of AA and he's trying to kick the habit, you insensitive prick!” Robbie said.

“I… did not know. I'm sorry, Luigi.” Ernie apologized to Luigi but he could tell that Luigi had not formally accepted or even recognized his apology. “But, sir, I have some questions for my journey… How will Flareon go into the waters of Bikini Bottom? Who will lead us on the way?” 

“You will be lead by Mr. Lewis Lanely, who knows the path on his clear days. He has dementia so he does not always know the way, but you can rely on him for a general sense of where to go and what to do. He's come back and forth from Bikini Bottom hundreds of times. As for your other question… Flareon is a member of the KKK and is on a suicide mission.” Robbie began.

“I have other facts for you to know about your team. Goofy and Mickey are in a gay relationship and they do not leave each others sides, and Pikachu is emo. Eric Cartman will only fight if there are hippies involved, and Thomas the Tank Engine is fighting a serious case of the chicken pox. Naruto and Scooby will not look at each other due to their… history. Finally, Tom Cruise fights for nobody but himself, and Jimmy Neutron is wise when it comes to battle.” Robbie summarized. 

“I see… Pikachu is not afraid to die. Goofy and Mickey can use their powers combined for a double attack and fight as one. Everybody involved in our team is reliable and I believe the mission will go off without a hitch. Now, sir, I must ask a final question. When I kill Sportacus, would you like me to bring you his head as proof?” Ernie asked. He was feeling confident that his team would be able to obliterate Sportacus and save Lazy Town once and for all.

“I do not wish for his head, I want another thing… His dick. You must sever it, and return it to its rightful place in Pewdiepie's hands. Now go, the Fellowship of Lazy Town! Go off on your quest to kill Sportacus!” Robbie cheered. 

“Goodbye and farewell! I will see you again as soon as possible, Robbie Rotten!” Ernie waved, and just like that he was away with his team.


End file.
